Abrielle Neff Foundation

A Tearful Morning

2011-12-24T09:30:00.000-06:00

I was woke up this morning by an automated phone call from the State. It was not how I would have chosen to start Christmas Eve. We have cookies to bake for Santa, food to prepare for tomorrow, a few more presents to wrap, and fun and games planned for the evening. I did not plan on starting the day with tears and fighting to not let the depression leave me curled up on the couch all day. It's not that my little girl would be far from my thoughts. In fact she would be in the front of my mind as we did all these activities. She would be missed during every second of the day the way it was. I did not need it thrown in my face that she is gone like it was at 8 this morning. Here is a copy of the email message I received that is essentially what the phone call was, but with a few more details.

12/24/2011

Re: Ryan Sundermann, Offender #: 01177786

In response to your desire to be notified, please be advised that the above named offender has been scheduled for release on a conditional release date of 1/7/2012, which is the mandatory release date required by law. In addition, the offender may earn good time credit, which would advance the release date. Upon release, please note that the remainder of the offender's sentence will be served under parole supervision.

No further notification will be sent to you unless the offender's release date is advanced or the offender is revoked and returned to a correctional facility.

Holidays

2011-12-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

The shopping is done. The gifts are wrapped (all but a few). The trees have been up for a week. The pictures are taken, but cards will probably be Happy New Year. The end of the Holiday season is in sight. I have been rather proud of how I have handled things this year so far. I forced myself to take care of things on my own. I shopped without having to be pulled along by friends. I needed Abby's trees up as soon as the others were up.

For the pictures this year, some had Abby's black leotard in them and others had her Princess dress-up slippers.

http://byreba.com/p821216800/e1d28bd99

http://byreba.com/p821216800/e3ab5f2c5

http://byreba.com/p821216800/e3ae6c277

He Still Knows Her

2011-12-10T21:17:00.000-06:00

The girls were having pictures taken on Thursday so I had to find something of Abby's to put in the pictures too. As I went into her room, JackJack came running in with me. I have not let him in her room in about a year because the one and only time he was in there, he became sick and depressed for weeks afterwards. I tried to send him right back out, but he ran and hid under her bed. After I had found things for pictures, I still could not get him to come out and decided to just leave him for a little while. When I went back in, I found him up on her bed, nose pressed to her pillow, kneading it and purring loudly. Of course this brought me to tears. He only does the kneading when he curls up on my stomach, so I knew he still knew his girl. I scooped him up, carried him out, and closed the door. As I gave him loves, he pushed away wanting down. He went back to her door, stretched up, and started rattling the doorknob, yowling. He wanted back in. My heart just broke.

Wishful Thinking

2011-12-07T20:52:00.000-06:00

Each year I think the same thing ~

Maybe this will be the year the Holidays get easier.
Maybe hearing the Christmas music won't phase me this time.
Maybe all the lights will look cheery.
Maybe I will enjoy shopping.
Maybe pulling out the trees at home won't start the restless nights and the holiday blahs.
Maybe we will put all the ornaments on the trees and decorate the whole house again.
Maybe my heart will be filled with only joy and no sadness.
Maybe this year I will want to do things instead of feeling like they are forced.
Maybe I can love Christmas again finally the way I used to.
Maybe. Just maybe.
But, I guess I can hope for next year.

'Tis The Season

2011-11-08T13:34:00.000-06:00

Halloween is always the start of the rough road for me, but this year it seemed to hit a little sooner. With health issues knocking me down and keeping me from doing much for weeks, along with a few other events, the thoughts of the holidays and family time came sooner. My little girl has been in the front of my mind lots lately. It was great that we had our support group meeting this past weekend about the holidays. For some reason, we didn't get the pumpkins carved this year and I hope that is not a sign of what is to come for us throughout the season. It is always bittersweet to welcome new families to group as we know their loss and the days they have ahead of themselves, but we are there to provide support for each other and hopefully make some things easier for them by sharing our experiences.

The girls were in their groups as well doing their own group therapy as well. Mady's group spent time talking about angels among other things. Seeing her papers and writings brought me to tears with her thoughts and feelings written down. One line asked what you thought your loved one would say in a return letter. Her response, "I miss you. Say Hi to Mommy." Elly's group is still more play therapy, but I know Abby has been on her mind lately too. She has taken to praying little prayers throughout the day. She prays, "God and Jesus, Please take care of my sister Abby. And Granny. And Wendy. And our dog Molly. Amen"

Birthday Gifts in Rememberance

2011-11-08T12:42:00.000-06:00

We recently received a very touching donation. The parents of Parker Wilson, who passed away August 1st, requested donations for the Foundation for his birthday as they celebrated his life on September 29th. We received over 90 stuffed animals and 90 coloring books to share with children in the hospitals.

"He was an amazing little boy. Always happy and with a big smile on his face. We hope these donations will help other kids smile. Thank you for the work you do!"

He sounds like another little angel I know.

Thank you to all who donated these special gifts in memory of Parker. We will include an extra card that tells each one donated in his memory.

Docudrama 2011

2011-09-30T21:41:00.001-05:00

On Tuesday I was able to speak at the docudrama for local area high school sophomores. This is the program that re-enacts an accident due to impaired driving followed by videos and speakers to help bring the issue home with the young drivers. Even though I have been battling some health issues, I did not want to cancel. If our story touches just one of the students there, making them think twice before a decision is made, then all my tears are worth it. Here is a link to the article in the local paper ~

http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/topstories/x229298928/Docudrama-A-dose-of-reality

Also, a big thank you to my moral support that came with me that day.

2011 Memorial Service

2011-09-12T19:42:00.001-05:00

Sunday was the annual Celebration of Life Memorial Service for children that have passed away at Childrens Mercy Hospital. Despite becoming ill that morning, we went to the ceremony.

The girls left messages for Abby on butterflies and placed them on the rememberance tree.

"When you must be patient

In loss or defeat

Or the sorrow that life sometimes brings,

Remember - in time,

From a plain, brown cocoon

Comes the beauty of

Butterfly wings."

This year's speaker was a gentleman that works at CMH who lost his sister to cancer 25 years ago to cancer when he was only 4. One of my fears has always been that Mady would forget things about her sister. At only 6, I was not sure how much her mind would retain from their years together, but listening to him speak, some of my fears and worries were put to rest. He sitll thinks of his sister every day and was choked up telling his story this many years later. I am now confident Mady will keep at least some special memories.

This year's Litany of Remembrance~

We come today to remember our children and to face the mysteries of life and death.

As cocoons are transformed into butterflies, seeds into beautiful flowers, we, too, have been transformed by the lives of the children we are here to honor.

Their lives were far too brief, our time with them too short, but we give thanks for the gift of each hour, day, or year we had to know and love them.

Through our children, we have experienced the bittersweet mixture of joy and sorrow, laughter and tears. In these extremes, we have experienced grace and discovered new dimensions of love, hope and life.

Through these children, we are brought together in the fellowship of those who know the tension between intense love and the pain of suffering.

We are what we are today because we have dared to love these children, whose lives ended too soon. We are forever changed and blessed by the love we have shared with them. May we together give thanks for our children, as we remember them and entrust them to the embrace of God's eternal love.

Of course the girls' favorite part is the butterfly release.

Trade Your Skin

Who knew you'd trade your tender skin

For something finer, something thin?

An iridescent new blue suit,

to wear when sipping sour fruit.

Who knew you'd transform, by and by

from human form to butterfly?

With evyes that hide beneath your wings,

you watch on high for heavn'ly things.

Who knew you'd be an inscet fair,

and waft away on misty air?

Then pause and warm your wings in the sun.

You knew, my darling. You're the one.

~by Ann Ingalls

Celebration Photos

2011-09-05T10:31:00.000-05:00

This post is a hodge podge of pictures from the Celebration since I wanted to get them posted and be able to share other things without taking up more posts for the pictures.

The dunk tank is always super popular with the kids and we really appreciate the guys that volunteer to get wet for the cause.

This year our petting zoo was provided by area FFA students. The kids loved all the animals that were brought.

One of the new additions this year was the wacky trikes ride. The kids rode adult size tricycles paired with "goofy goggles" that made navigating the cones with their drunken effect.

This year we added a high striker and a kiddie striker. It was a great test of strength for young and old both.

Homemade ice cream was made by this large mixer.

The balloon pop was another fun addition. Kids raced to see who could inflate their balloon enough to make them pop first.

Balloon animals!

The Sunscreen Station was provided by the Halley family in memory of Brian. We were grateful to have it again this year, especially since the weather turned from cloudy and rainy that morning to sunny before the event was over.

Kids kept the Barrel Train busy the whole day.

Super popular with both older and younger kids was the new Tubs Of Fun ride.

Another Speech

2011-08-31T11:41:00.000-05:00

Today I spoke to a class of offenders at the Treatment Center. I seemed to be weepier through it than usual. I think it was because of the recent start of school along with the fact that it had been several months since I had spoke. The class was very quiet after my presentation, but after several minutes they finally asked questions and opened up with comments. Hopefully the silence meant I touched some of them.

MTN Donor Family Picnic

2011-08-29T09:29:00.000-05:00

Saturday we attended Midwest Transplant Network's organ donor family picnic at Faulkner's Ranch in Kansas City. The girls had a great time with all the activities there and I was able to reconnect with some donor families I had not seen for a couple of years.

Elly loved all the animals in the petting zoo, even though she was a bit intimidated by the buffalo and Brahma bull at first.

While waiting for some of the festivities to begin, we played inside on the fun rocking horses and cows.

The girls got a kick out of milking the cow.

They loved watching the goats play on the goat climb. We bought some feed and they sent it up to the top to make the goats climb up their playground.

Duck races played with water pumps.

Horse swings!

Elly was thrilled to be able to play on a playground since ours is in a pile.

Horse rides were a hit with the girls. They rode several times.

We tried cane pole fishing, but the girls had trouble with there being no reel.

Bounce house fun for Elly.

Doug became Elly's playmate for the day. He pushed her on the swings, played duck races, and chased after her. I was excited that Doug and Julie were able to attend since we had not been able to get together since our Washington DC trip.

I was glad I let Doug step in for me to play the water balloon toss in the second round with Mady since it ended up being a fight at the end. Both came back wet.

Girls vs boys at tug of war.

Musical chairs was followed by a game of limbo which Elly was proud to win by simply duck walking under the bar.

It was great to spend the day with other families like ours. Elly asked lots of questions from people there since she is trying to process death in her little mind.

The picnic shirts had a great quote on the back ~ "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." James Matthew Barrie

Celebration Pictures ~ Ice Cream Eating Contest

2011-08-26T18:17:00.000-05:00

One of the favorite events of the day has been the ice cream eating contest. This year, two groups competed.

Group 1 winners~

On to the adults ~

The winners!

Celebration Photos ~ Magician BJ Talley

2011-08-24T08:58:00.003-05:00

Magician BJ Talley entertained with his magic tricks. He even had several volunteers up on stage to help out.

Celebration Photos ~ MDA On The Stage

2011-08-23T17:57:00.000-05:00

I am finally gettting my computer to agree with uploading pictures and am going to be flooding the blog with pictures finally! Here is Maryville Dance Academy performing for the crowd.

This year Elly was super excited to be dancing too.

Storm Damage

2011-08-23T17:00:00.000-05:00

Everything is reparable and/or replaceable, but some things will never be as they once were. The one thing we lost during the storm that did affect me was the playground. I have so many memories of pushing Abby on the swings or catching her as she flew down the slide. Since she was small, she would literally catch air as she went over the hump of the slide. Her last day we spent the evening swinging. I will be sad to see it all replaced with new.

Donation Given

2011-08-18T08:22:00.000-05:00

With the combining of the elementary and high school buildings for Northeast Nodaway, the school was in need of playground equipment at the new building. With the old equipment not being able to be moved without a lot of work and expense, they were looking for help to purchase new equipment up to current safety requirements. The Foundation was able to donate $2500 towards the purchase of the equipment for the kids to play on at recess.

Tomorrow Is The Day

2011-08-17T20:03:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the first day of school for the girls which is always a mentally challenging day for me, but to keep myself occupied, I will be catching things up on here. I want to thank everyone for still checking in as I spent time enjoying the summer months with my girls. I have felt truly blessed to be able to stay home and enjoy all the little things together with them. From catching frogs with Elly (outside and inside), to playing at the pool, to jumping on the trampoline, to making art projects, and baking, I have loved the laid back playtime of the summer which I have not been able to do before with them.

4 + 4 = 8

2011-06-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

A simple math equation meant more than that yesterday as our angel would have celebrated her 8th birthday. She was on my mind all day yesterday even though I didn't get anything posted here. I had a little snuggler in bed yesterday morning and here is the conversation we had ~
Mommy, why are there tears coming down?
Because today is Abby's birthday.
But she's not here to eat cake.
No she's not.
I miss Abby.
I miss her too.
But she is in "kevin".
Yes. She is in Heaven.
She is with Daddy's Dad. And Wendy. And Granny. Who else is in "kevin"?

We went on to talk about who we know in Heaven playing with Abby.

New Celebration Games

2011-06-03T17:46:00.002-05:00

Here's another look at some new games.

Pork Chop Speedway

Pick your piggy, turn him on, and let the races begin! Will your pig be the winner?

Tip-A-Troll

It's as easy as tossing the bean bag and knocking down the trolls.

New Celebration Games

2011-06-02T17:45:00.000-05:00

We have some fun new games planned for the Celebration this year! Here's a look at two of the new games.

Wacky Trikes

These are big sized trikes that will have to be negotiated around a course and to make it more fun, the rider will be wearing "goofy goggles". These are the same that the highway patrol uses to simulate the feeling of being drunk (so there may be some learning by the kiddos on this one too). We will have smaller trikes for littler kids to ride around the course too.

Boom Blaster

Get ready to race your friends to see who can be the first to inflate their balloon enough to pop it!

Keep watching for more new games.....

New Rides

2011-05-31T18:58:00.000-05:00

We will be having two new rides this year at the Celebration that the kids should love. First is a barrel train ride and it is just as it sounds, a train made from barrels. The second is a carnival ride called Tubs of Fun.

Magic on Stage

2011-05-27T15:32:00.000-05:00

This year we are excited to announce that Magician BJ Talley will be on stage at 1:00. If you were able to join us last year, you were able to see some of his up-close magic tricks and take home a balloon animal as he walked around the crowd. This year he will be wowing us all with bigger tricks as he takes the stage. Here is a link to his website to give you a little preview of what you are in store for. http://bjtalley.com/

Work Day

2011-05-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

Sunday we will be having a Celebration work day at our house starting at 2 pm. We will be making signs, doing a few construction projects, and grilling out for everyone too, so bring a side.

Helping Joplin

2011-05-26T14:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I delivered several boxes to the truck headed to Joplin. Mady and I boxed up 50 Abby's Hugs stuffed animals, 2 paper boxes of coloring books, 1 filled with crayons, markers, and colored pencils, 1 box filled with reading books, and 1 filled with fun stuff (games, cards, matchbox cars, dress up clothes, yo-yos, etc) for the kids affected by the tornado. Hopefully these can help bring some smiles to the little ones down there that have lost these things that are important to them.

Celebration Approaching!

2011-05-23T09:48:00.000-05:00

The Celebration is fast approaching and we have so many new and exciting things planned for the event, but of course your old favorites will still be there!

Abrielle Neff Foundation

presents the

4th Annual Celebration of Children

June 12th 12:00 ~ 4:00

Beal Park

Families young and old, bring your lawn chairs

& enjoy the stage entertainment, petting zoo,

carnival games, rides & BBQ.

Inflatables Ferris Wheel Tubs of Fun Ride

Barrel Train Ride FOOD Games Dunk Tank

Petting Zoo Spoofy Silent Auction

On The Stage!

12:00 Maryville Dance Academy

1:00 Magician BJ Talley – BJ will be here to mesmerize you

with his magic! You might even find yourself on stage!
2:00 MHS Drum Line
3:00 Kids Contests – are you brave enough to participate?

Weekend Memories

2011-05-23T09:33:00.000-05:00

Saturday we had dance recital for our girls. It is always hard for me to watch the dance recital as I am reminded of our little dancer that is not there, but do enjoy watching our other two perform. It is one of those events that I now mentally prepare myself for before I go. Unfortunately I was not prepared enough. Three routines had me fighting tears. Two were sister dances, the first song even talking about how to dance after her sister died. The other was a tribute song that had a little girl talking about Heaven.

We also had another first this weekend. Sunday we went fishing for the first time without Abby. Elly had gotten a Princess fishing pole for her birthday and was ready to try it out. The girls dug up worms for the outing and I was reminded so much of our last fishing excursion with Abby. I remember taking pictures as they pulled worms from the dirt as Marc scooped it up with the shovel. I remember how the worms didn't even phase our bug-loving Abby, but Mady didn't like touching them. I remember how excited and proud Abby was as she caught her first fish on her Nemo fishing pole. These memories were echoed as Elly gladly got muddy and slimy gathering worms and then again later as she was thrilled with her catches on her Princess pole.

Blog Featured

2011-05-23T08:36:00.000-05:00

Check it out, the blog is featured in the NNL
http://www.nodawaynews.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=14383&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

Planting Pictures

2011-05-14T05:27:00.002-05:00

Since I am still receiving a "security error" message when I try to upload any pictures, here is a link to the article in the paper that has some photos.

http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/topstories/x600906616/Planting-party-offers-lessons-on-growing?img=2

If anyone knows how to remedy my problem, I would love to hear from you!

Music Program

2011-05-13T17:16:00.000-05:00

Last night Elly had a spring music program for preschool which they had been practicing for for weeks. I have heard all the songs daily in the car on our trips to and from town and she was ready to sing them loud. What I didn't realize about the program was who the preschool class was performing with on some songs. The note came home a week ago laying out how the evening was to go, from where to drop off your child and where to pick them up to which grade levels would be singing together. Preschool was to sing with the second graders. Even as I read this, nothing clicked. It wasn't until we were walking Elly into the building that I realized who the second graders were. This was Abby's class. As I lead Elly through the classroom and to her teachers, several of Abby's friends yelled and waved. I smiled back glad to see that they still know who I am after all this time. I sat in silence through most of performance by the second graders as the fact that we should have a second grader up there too. They were then joined by the preschool class. You could see siblings looking for each other as the little ones were led up on stage. We should have two girls on stage at this point. We should have a proud big sister looking for her "mini me". As the concert ended and we shared hugs with some other parents, I made the comment that of all the classes to perform together, what were the odds. Bittersweet to watch as Abby's classmates grow up.

Pay It Forward

2011-05-11T12:58:00.000-05:00

Today was the Pay It Forward assembly for the 5th graders at MMS. Mady paired with Tara Hull to raise money for the Foundation and for St Francis Foundation for the purchase of new chairs for chemo treatments. They raised $273 to be split between the two. They raised their money through a lemonade stand, recycling aluminum cans, and doing yard work. Thanks girls!

Some Anxious Days

2011-05-08T18:20:00.000-05:00

Almost all week I have been having some anxious and teary days. It all stems from Elly's birthday. Her 4th birthday. I have stayed extra busy this week, but the feelings still crept in. For some reason I have been fearful that we would not make it to age four again. That our lives would be thrown into a turmoil and we would lose another little girl. Strange sounding I know but you seem to gain several new fears after this kind of loss. I made it through the big day on Saturday with relief that we have a four-year-old, a day we never got to with our Abby.

Garden Planting

2011-05-08T18:03:00.000-05:00

Friday we planted Abby's Garden at EFE with the help of the preschoolers. The kids did great and had fun digging in the dirt. Elly planted several flowers and just beamed, saying, "Abby will be so happy."

I am having a few difficulties getting my pictures to upload but will keep trying and will add them to this post.

MTN Speech

2011-05-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

Today I spoke to Midwest Transplant Network's staff during staff training they were having. Some of their staff dows not have the opportunity to work directly with donor families or recipients so this was their chance to hear from both. It was great to see some of the faces I have not seen in a few years and meet some new people behind the scenes that have had the opportunity to work with Abby in one way or another. I was also recruited to become an ambassador for MTN so that I will have more opportunities to speak about donation.

National Quilt Panel Up

2011-04-30T10:19:00.000-05:00

The National Organ Donor quilt panel with Abby's square on it is now up on the website. She is on panel 37. Here is the link.

http://www.kidney.org/transplantation/donorFamilies/quiltPatch.cfm?panel=BK

I have not included a story as of yet,but plan to add one at some point.

A Good Read

2011-04-21T19:09:00.000-05:00

A friend recently gave me a wonderful book to read, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo. It is the story of his young four-year-old son's visit to Heaven after a ruptured appendix. The book was filled with all kinds of tidbits that brought me an extra bit of comfort. One message the little boy makes sure he gets across is that Jesus really loves children. At one point he told his family names of some of the other children he met during his brief visit and also revealed that he had met his sister (lost to a miscarriage) and a Grandfather he had never met. I could go on about all the things I found fascinating in this book, but instead will say, read it if you get a chance. It can be very eye-opening.

National Crime Victims Awareness

2011-04-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Last week was National Crime Victims Awareness Week and along with the tree planting and speech there, I was asked to speak at the Treatment Center to the offenders as a whole. So Friday I told my story to over 500 offenders and staff. I do believe this is the largest crowd I have spoken to at one time about the accident. My speech followed two offenders who shared their stories about their crimes and the victims they created. I was amazed as one spoke of meeting his victim face to face later and being given forgiveness for his crime. I could tell our story was touching some as they wiped their eyes along with me. They were also gracious enough to give me a standing ovation when I was finished and several thanked me for telling my story. If it changes even one of them, it is worth it and it does make me proud that Abby can continue to touch lives.

Shows To Watch

2011-04-18T16:22:00.000-05:00

April is National Donate Life Month and tomorrow (April 19th) there will be two programs on donation airing.

ESPN will be airing HERO, the story of Paco Rodriquez, a former boxer who always dreamed of being a hero. Paco died following a bout in November 2009. He was a hero to his family and the decision was made to donate his organs. This story looks at the family he left behind and the five recipients that our their lives to Rodriquez, their hero. This will air at 7 pm. Here is a link to a short preview.

Oprah will also be airing a show about Charles Tillman of the Chicago Bears and his daughter's donor family.
http://youtu.be/zx3yhAJpqGk

Tree Planting

2011-04-14T19:22:00.000-05:00

I had the honor this year of assisting with the tree planting at the Crime Victims Awareness Ceremony.

http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/topstories/x1225321683/Mozingo-Lake-event-recognizes-crime-victims

Thanks Is Never Enough

2011-03-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

I can never thank everyone enough for helping me get through that terrible day I struggle with each year. The prayers, support, and words of encouragement mean more than you can imagine. Thank you to those that sent flowers, those that called and texted, those that gave hugs, those that emailed, those that came over and cried with me. I needed every bit of it to make it through.

Four Years Ago....

2011-03-28T22:12:00.000-05:00

Four years ago, I woke up two girls from their beds. Today, I did the same.
Four years ago, I took two girls to school. Today, I did the same.
Four years ago, I walked a little girl to preschool. Today, I did the same.
Four years ago, I tucked two girls into bed. Tonight, I did the same.

How I wish I could change all those numbers to three for the todays. My heart aches today for my missing little girl and I know the heartache that tomorrow will bring. In fact I have been physically ill all day knowing the date on the calendar.

Four years ago, Abrielle dressed in a new pink short sleeved shirt with silver and white bunnies on it and a new pair of jean capri pants, held up with a pink and white belt for preschool. She was so excited to have a belt of her own. I don't remember what she had for lunch that day, but whatever it was, it came home on her shirt.

Four years ago, I stood outside pushing Abby on her swing until I finally had to start supper cooking.  She was not very happy to have to go inside, but helped me make the garlic bread for the spaghetti. When Marc got home, she pulled on her little cowgirl boots and ran out to help him set landscaping blocks around the fence post at the edge of the yard.

Four years ago, Abby woke up crying in the night, saying she was scared. I tucked her back into bed after finding her walking around in the living room disoriented. I hugged her tight as I told her that there was nothing to be scared of and that Mommy and Daddy would keep her safe.

Four years ago...

Hard Days Ahead

2011-03-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

It seems the days have started getting difficult lately. Saturday was one of those where I just wanted to stay curled up under the covers and not face the day. I think the disruption of our house by painters and construction is what caused the breakdown for me. It was having to pull things of the walls, move things that haven't been taken down or moved in all this time. Strange I know but having my sanctuary in disarray is mentally taxing at this time of the year. I was glad when friends came out and provided a much needed distraction. Unfortunately the hardest days are yet to come this week.

Saturday Meetings

2011-03-21T19:47:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all who able to come help bag animals and get things ready for hospital donations! We really could not do this without all of your help.

We had our support group meeting this weekend in KC and it was great to see friends that understand during this hard month. We were given journals to write in this time and several helpful handouts. One was on recommended books by age levels to help with the grief. We plan on looking into some of these further for both girls. Another was the Top Ten What Not To Say. Here is the list~
10. I know just how you feel.
9. "Time heals all wounds," and other such trite remarks.
8. Your loss isn't as bad as mine (or others I have heard about).
7. It was God's will.
6. She's in a better place now. At least she's not suffering any longer.
5. Well, he was an adult, that's not so bad. Well, she was a baby, that's not so bad.
4. You should have another baby soon.
3. It is a good thing you have your other children.
2. How did he die? Drinking, drugs, etc.? We thought it might happen someday.
1. Aren't you over it yet? or How long are you going to grieve?

Another article we were given was titled "Dispelling 5 Common Myths About Grief". I found it to be quite interesting and filled with what society as a whole believes.
Myth 1~ Grief and mourning are the same experience
Myth 2 ~ There is a predictable and orderly stage-like progression to the experience of mourning.
Myth 3 ~ It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it.
Myth 4 ~ Following the death of someone significant to you, the goal is to "get over" your grief.
Myth 5 ~ Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.

The girls both had their sessions and enjoyed them. Mady was excited to show me the scrapbook they worked on, but really didn't elaborate much more on her session, which is okay with me since I can tell it is helping. I am sure her feeling of loss are different from mine since hers is the loss of her sister. Elly's class was filled with play therapy that included music and art. This time they made flower pots and memory stones among other things.

Double Talk Day

2011-03-16T16:19:00.000-05:00

Today I spoke at the Maryville Treatment Center again, but this was my first time speaking twice in one day, which made things a bit harder. I was really pleased with how well I did in both classes, but did feel a little on autopilot for the second session. The men thanked me like usual for having the courage to tell our story and it seemed to move many of them. I did have a couple of firsts this time. During one class as I spoke a young man just kept smirking at me the whole time. By the end of class I was ready to speak some not very kind words to him, but instead asked the instructors if they saw the man's reaction. They did and have he returned to the room after the break one sat down to ask him what he thought of the presentation. It turns out that this must be his coping mechanism because he was touched by my speech. In the next class a man was so touched that he wanted more specific information, but I did not provide that. Of course there was a lot of interest in doing something to help the Foundation either while still incarcerated or upon release.

Finally Getting To It

2011-03-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

This has lived in my dining room for almost 4 years now.

A file box full of folders we started with good intentions of putting everything from the accident in, but never really happened. Instead, all the bills, correspondence from the Prosecuting Attorney, our attorney, the Highway Patrol, the Corrections System, insurance companies, all ended up just tossed in. When that box became full, we filled up the picnic basket. The big box, well it's filled with newspapers and what else I'm not sure after all this time. I have tried on more than one occasion to start the process, but always ended up in a pile of kleenex and tears. I decided that it was time to try again and was actually able to make some progress this time. I sorted out everything in the black file box and put them in the folders like should have been done in the beginning. Then I started on the picnic basket. I kept the same process up, not really looking at anything beyond enough to know which folder it should go in. Then I hit some roadblocks. There were drawings folded in half with "To: Abby From: Mady (or Sissy)". Then I found a Memory Book Mady had made in first grade. It was filled with heartbreaking drawings, notes, and memories. Then there was the drawings of our family which included this one

In every drawing Abby has wings and a halo. These were all from the end of First Grade too. I had been at this process for over two hours when I found these things. Needless to say the tears began to fall heavily and I was once again surrounded by kleenex. I stopped where I was, leaving the rest of the picnic basket and the big box to sort.

Despite the tears and painful memories that this chore brought up, I did feel better at the end of the day knowing that I was over halfway done with a task I had been needing to do for almost four years.

Organ Donation Speech Follow-up

2011-03-08T19:25:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to share a photo of us at the Rose Ceremony at CMH last month with the yellow roses from the float.

And to give a link to the other speaker Scott Seetin's blog that tells of his journey with his kidney transplant. http://scottseetin.wordpress.com/

Donation Thanks

2011-03-08T19:12:00.000-06:00

Thank you to Aubrey Jones for sharing her birthday with the Foundation! She requested items for us instead of gifts for herself. Thanks so much!

Thanks to all the EFE preschoolers that brought in donations during the month of February! It really touches me that the classes continue to do this each year.

We also received a thank you note and donation from a family that received an Abby's Hugs at St Francis ER. Here is a bit of it. "What a great program you are running. What a super way to honor the life of a beautiful angel! Our son who is a year old received one of your bears in the ER last week and it made our stay a whole lot nicer. We left the house without his 'night-night' and he took to that little bear! What a nice surprise it was when they came in with it! The little bear also traveled to Childrens Mercy with us later that night! So thank you dearly!!"

Bagging/Meeting

2011-03-06T09:47:00.000-06:00

We are planning the next bagging and a board meeting for Saturday, March 19th at 7 pm. Hope you can join us to work on plans for the Celebration and catch up on all the stuffed animals that need bagged.

Family Circle Ceremony

2011-02-14T16:50:00.000-06:00

Saturday I spoke at the Family Circle Ceremony at Childrens Mercy Hospital about our story of organ donation. The Ceremony started with pictures of the 2011 Donate Life Rose bowl Parade Float. This year's theme was "Seize the Day" and was a kite design. Scott Seetin, kidney recipient, spoke about helping with and riding on the float along with his story of receiving a kidney. There were three news stations in attendance and I did an interview with KCTV5. I have not found the link to that story, but here is a link to one on Fox 4.

http://www.fox4kc.com/news/wdaf-transplant-families-childrens-mercy-21211,0,1974393.story

Also, here are a few of my words from my speech.

"Organ donation has always been something that I felt strongly about. From the time I was 16 I made sure the back of my driver's license was signed and told my parents that I wanted to donate if something should happen. After Marc and I were married, I let him know my wishes and we agreed that donation was something we would do for each other. We never could have imagined that it would be our little girl's organs we would donate instead of ours."

"After the mind-numbing shock of losing our daughter wore off, the giving the gift of life brought not only tears to our eyes, but also smiles to our faces. Somehow, knowing a part of our Abby lives on, improving the life of someone else, brings a certain feeling of comfort. It is a comfort that brings a sense of purpose from our tragedy. No matter if I am speaking to offenders at prisons as a victim of a crime, to high school students about drinking and driving, to people about the Abrielle Neff Foundation established in her memory, or to other grieving families, the one fact I make sure I never leave out is that in death Abby was a hero. She saved lives through donation."

Talking with Elly

2011-02-10T16:12:00.000-06:00

The Preschool is currently gathering donations for the Foundation since Abby was a part of their class. Yesterday we made some purchases for Elly to take to school that included 3 stuffed animals, a baby doll, 2 card games, and 2 color wonder sets. Elly understood that these were for kids at the hospital, but kept trying to keep one for her own, which of course did not happen. She even tried this morning as we were sorting them into the separate boxes outside the classroom. Then we talked about all the pictures of Abrielle the teachers had put up. She pointed to each one, "That's Abby" "That's our Abby, right." "And there's Sissy too." "Who's that kitty?" We talked about each one of those little pictures. It really pleases me that she recognizes her big sis, even though sometimes she does think it is herself in the picture.

2011-02-05T17:50:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the long time with no post. I don't quite have a steady routine for myself yet, so computer time is usually what gets missed. This is going to seem like a rambling post as I try to catch up on several things, so bear with me.

Santa left gifts under our Abby Tree like usual for the Foundation. There is no way that I can not have Abby involved in the Holiday and the girls love seeing what gets left for kids in the hospital.

Avenue City School collected donations for the Foundation at Christmas time again this year and we really thank them!

We are planning a bagging either the end of February or the first part of March.

The Celebration will be June 12th at Beal Park.

Next weekend I will be speaking at CMH at the Rose Ceremony about organ donation. It is the ceremony we attended last year to receive our certificate and rose from the Donate Life Rose Parade Float. This year I will be sharing our story of donation to others receiving the honor of having their loved one represented on the float for the first time.

I have been trying different methods to help battle the depression that has plagued me since losing Abby and exercise has really seemed to help with my struggles through the Holidays and beyond. There have been so many times that I still feel I get those little gut shots of not having her here, but have held things inside instead of expressing them on here, which I am not sure has been good for me. Basically my heart has been hurting, but I have been keeping my mask pulled down tight. There has been Elly's Preschool concert, in which I was reminded of Abby so much. There has been Elly just saying out of the blue, "Mommy, I miss Abby." There has been the artwork that has come home showing our family and she has made sure to include her big sister (which makes me proud she knows). It has been seeing the letter "A"s as Elly has learned to write them. It was getting two girls ready for the Daddy Daughter Dance last night and having Mady speak my thoughts out loud saying, "There would be 3 of us going this year." It has been Mady deciding she wants to wear her Abby fingerprint necklace every day now. It's Elly asking to see Abby's room. It's the similarities and same terminology that Elly uses for things that Abby did making me wonder if there is a special connection there (ie - "My knee has a headache.", refusing to wear socks, not thinking that dresses or nightgowns require panties underneath, wanting to sneak into bed with us at night) Different aspects of the grief that (according to the cycle by the experts) should be passed by now, keep returning again and again. I know earlier last year I came to the realization that I would take my grief with me to the grave, but I didn't realize that the stages would continually cycle. The sleepless nights have plagued me again the last week, but for some reason, tears don't want to seem to fall. It is like my body is keeping them locked inside for some reason. I would say that I want the pain to go away and be over, but if I were honest that would be a lie. It is through that pain that I feel like am to be the closest to my little girl. It makes her seem more real. If I hold on to the grief, it makes her never be forgotten, which is still my biggest fear. I am afraid that sometimes my memories of her get muddled in my mind and just blend in with everything else, fading with time.

Gifts Delivered

2011-01-17T15:08:00.000-06:00

During the last week of school in December I delivered Christmas gifts to the Preschoolers at EFE from the Foundation. The bags contained a teenie beanie, a box of 4 crayons or a mini notebook or game. The kids loved looking through all the different animal choices and Elly loved being my helper.

MTC Employees Donate

2011-01-03T16:25:00.000-06:00

A thank you goes out to the employees of Maryville Treatment Center. Through dress down days and raffles, they raised and donated $282.92! Thanks to all whole donated!

Made It Through

2011-01-01T10:53:00.000-06:00

To say that Holidays are hard is a gross understatement. They turn everything upside down for me. I don't sleep. I become physically ill. I lack energy to do almost anything. This year I found it odd that shed only a few tears. Instead I just felt like curling up under a blanket most days, wanting to hide from the world. Now as we put the sights of Christmas away, I hope that those feelings begin to subside. I have so many things to share here about the Foundation and will do my best to get them up soon.

A Week To Go

2010-12-18T10:21:00.000-06:00

This will be Christmas number 4 without our Abby here. Year one we tried to avoid as much as we could. Year two we began to incorporate her into the season more with our "Abby Tree" at home and her own pink tree at the cemetery. Year three we were snowbound, making the day harder by not having family here and not being able to go the the cemetery. Year four is all but here and I am still not ready. Yes the trees are up - one upstairs, one downstairs, and our Abby Tree. The night before we had plans to pull out the trees, I could not sleep and became physically ill. I tried passing it off as a bug, but deep down I knew the cause was the anticipation of what was to come the next day. The trees went up and the girls had fun decorating them. We still cut down on the number of ornaments we put up, but maybe in a few more years we will have them all back out. Later I realized I did not take a single picture of the event which is really odd for me. Last week our Abby Tree went up and was decorated. It seemed like Mady took extra pride this year in helping me with her tree. She hung almost every ornament, strung the pink star garland, wrapped the base with the pink Princess tree skirt, and placed the star on top. Even though the trees are up and decorated, for some reason they don't seem to get plugged in. I guess the light is just not back in the holiday for us yet. Today we plan on getting Abby's pink tree decorated and to her at the cemetery. Then it will be shopping and wrapping left to make the day special for the girls.

Joy

2010-12-07T16:22:00.001-06:00

Happiness. Joy. Elated. Just a few words to describe my mood this morning as Marc opened the door to the garage to start the vehicles. There was meowing as gray fur ran past into the house. JackJack came home! He is pretty thin abd lost his bell off his collar, but looks to be in good health otherwise. Happy tears! He won't leave my side and has been soaking up the love.

Sending Down Love

2010-12-02T13:37:00.000-06:00

I was so proud of myself today as I pulled out two totes of Christmas decorations to begin placing around the house. The tote was filled with things to hang on the wall ~ pictures, plaques, snowmen, and the countdown calendar I was searching for. Of all theses things, the only one I had gotten out the last three Christmases was the countdown Santa. I was pulling down the antique ceiling tile in the foyer to replace it by a snowman picture when something fell to the floor. It fell face up and I stopped to pick up. It was a receipt from preschool fees for Abrielle. The receipt was dated 8/9/06. I have no idea how that piece of paper got behind the ceiling tile. I guess it was just our little angel sending down some love.

A Letter From An Offender

2010-11-25T07:12:00.001-06:00

I received another letter from an offender at Maryville Treatment Center after my last speech there. He commended me for coming to speak and went on to tell me about some of his issues. Here are a few excerpts from his letter.

"Your story really went right to my heart. I can honestly say I will never do it again."

"Just to think about the victims I could have caused myself, and it only takes a split second. I would not be able to live with myself."

"So, just to let you know, you have changed my life in way that really makes what you do worth it."

Thanks for Using GoodSearch

2010-11-23T19:11:00.000-06:00

A big thank you to everyone out there that is using GoodSearch and GoodShop to help support the Foundation! We received $253.67 from activity from October 2009 until September 2010. This is such a wonderful way to donate ~ just an extra click of the mouse. Keep on GoodSearch-ing and GoodShop-ing throughout the holidays!

Goodbye JackJack

2010-11-20T10:22:00.000-06:00

As much as I hate to, I have forced myself to be realistic this week. I gathered all his cat supplies and put them into the storage room. JackJack has been gone for a month now and the odds of him coming back home are pretty slim. A declawed cat would have a hard time catching food, escaping from the coyotes, and surviving on his own for this long. He escaped the night of Granny's funeral. Elly went outside and didn't shut the door. I did not get too worried and actually did not even attempt to go find him that night because any other time he got out he always came back home. The next morning I saw JackJack but I was having the carpets cleaned and he refused to come in the house, hiding under the front porch instead. I got frustrated with the rotten cat and thought he would be more than ready to come inside after the cleaners left. I was wrong and could not find him. We have searched (me daily) for our special kitty, but no luck. I have been trying to keep my emotions in check, but you guys all know how important JackJack was to us. Part of me feels like I have let Abby down but another part says that I'm sure she is excited to have her kitty to play with herself again, as I'm sure he is too. He missed his little girl too. We will miss you JackJack.

Family Pictures

2010-11-16T19:37:00.000-06:00

Here are just a few photos from the family pictures we took. We also took pictures with my parents and siblings. As I said before, we included Abby's black leotard in the pictures this time. Sometimes it is not very noticeable on someones lap, tossed over their shoulder, laid in the grass beside to other kids, or just held in a hand, but it was in everyone one of them. We actually had to pick her leotard up off the floor from behind her bedroom door from where she peeled it off the last time days before the accident.

Support Group Meeting

2010-11-15T11:11:00.000-06:00

Saturday we had our support group meeting at CMH to help us get through the holidays. I am thankful for these meetings because it helps me feel more normal to be with those who walk in the same shoes. It was a little different for me this time as now we are considered some of the "oldies" of the group. We were able provide help and ideas for the ones facing their first holidays. My heart aches for them and their new loss, especially during this time of year, but sometimes just seeing those of us that are still here three, four, and five years after losing our child is all they need to know that they will survive. I wish I could tell them that the holidays are "just another day" or "no big deal" this many years out, but they aren't and I'm sure they will never be. I wish I could tell them that I no longer have to force myself to do the festive things, but I still do. I wish I could say that somehow after year one of it all, the next year you don't feel like pulling the cover over your head to hide from the jovial world, but I still do. I wish I could tell them that by now "the most wonderful time of year" is just that again, but it is not. But that is what the group is for and I know that I can call on those friends at any point during the next weeks and that we will help get each other through.

The girls went to their own group sessions and this time they were broke out by ages so Mady was in with older siblings and was able to do more talking and less play therapy. I was glad to hear that she was willing to participate in the group session and express her feelings since she is so closed off most of the time with her emotions. They did do some writing in a journal that she shared with me. "When I was young I did not know what death meant. I thought you were at someone house. As I got older I knew what death meant. I want to cry but I don't. I love you but I did not know how to say it. It was very hard to get over your death. I still am not over your death." Talk about heartbreaking for me to read. I have started to wonder if kids at school have said something about "getting over it" to her and that is where that is coming from.

We Need A Helicopter

2010-11-11T09:37:00.001-06:00

With the recent deaths that have thouched our family, Elly has been full of questions. Some bring tears, but some make me smile.

Mommy, where is Heaven?

It's up in the sky, above the clouds and stars where we can't see.

Oh. So we need something that flies up in the sky way up high so we can go see Granny and Wendy and Abby... An airplane... No. We need a helicopter so we can go way up in the sky! Mommy, we have to get a helicopter! I miss Abby! We need to find a helicopter!

Homecoming Float

2010-11-10T09:37:00.000-06:00

Here are pictures of "Abby's Drive-In", our Homecoming float.

Quick Catch-up

2010-11-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

There has been so much going on right now that sometimes life seems really crazy. I am going to give a real quick catch-up post to touch on some and will expand and post pictures as time allows.

The Homecoming Parade was last Saturday and I want to thank everyone that helped build the float and came to walk. Pictures to come soon.
JackJack has now been missing 2 weeks but I am still trying to cling to some hope that he will still come home.
The Jackson family was also able to donate Wendy's corneas, giving the gift of sight to someone.
We took family pictures a few weeks ago. Full family pictures for the first time without Abby. We had her black leotard in the pictures with us.
We did carve our "A" pumpkin for Abby again this year for Halloween.
We also had 2 pumpkins that "disappeared" from Abby's grave. How sad.

Wendy's Family Donates

2010-11-01T16:32:00.000-05:00

Wendy J Jackson

(March 13, 1975 - October 30, 2010)

Wendy Jo Jackson 35, of Maryville, MO passed away Saturday, October 30, 2010 at the St. Francis Hospital in Maryville after a five month battle with cancer.

Wendy was born on March 13, 1975 in Trenton, MO,to Rick and Ellyn Fuller, and lived all of her life in the Maryville area. She had attended NWMSU, and worked at Kawasaki Motors Manufacturing Corp, Maryville.

She was preceded in death by her grandmother Connie Fuller, on May 31, 2010.

On December 12, 1998, she married Timothy M. Jackson, he survives of the home. She is also survived by her three sons, Cody, Tyson, and Logan, also of the home.

Other survivors include her parents, Rick and Ellyn Fuller, Burlington Junction, MO, her brother, Wes Fuller, Maryville, MO, her grandfather, Donald Fuller, Humphreys, MO, her grandmother, Doris Boram, Milan, MO, two Aunts, Kris Johnson, and her son Ryan, Monett, MO, and Rita Thomas, and her children, Chasity, and Dalton, Meadville, MO, and her best friend/sister, Amanda Gilman, of Maryville, MO.

Wendy’s funeral service will be at 10:30 A.M. Saturday, November 6, 2010 at the Bram-Danfelt Funeral Home, Maryville. Burial will be in the Camp Ground Cemetery, Osgood, MO. The family will receive friends from 6-8:00 P.M. Friday, November 5, 2010 at the funeral home.

Memorials are suggested to the Abrielle Neff Foundation, 16835 Icon Road, Pickering, MO 64476, or to the family, and can be directed to the Bram-Danfelt Funeral Home, 206 E. South Hills Drive, Maryville, MO 64468.

Services are under the direction of the Bram-Danfelt Funeral Home, Maryville, MO.

We are really honored that the family chose to send donations to the Foundation. We know Wendy loved helping out with everything for the Foundation. Even when she was so sick a week ago, she asked for me to bring her some cards to decorate while lying in the hospital bed.

Another Angel

2010-10-31T10:03:00.000-05:00

Wendy Jackson lost her fight with cancer last night and earned her angel wings. We will miss Wendy! Here are a couple of pictures of Wendy helping out the Foundation.

Attention Parade Riders

2010-10-29T08:44:00.000-05:00

Our line up time for your parade entry is 7:45 AM. Our entry must be lined up on College Park Drive between College Park Pavilion and the Ron Houston Center at this designated time. You must entry campus from the north on College Park Drive on 16th Street.

· It is imperative that your entry is lined up at your designated time. A Homecoming staff member will be on location to assist you.

· We understand that this line up time may be a bit earlier than you expected. Once you have been give the okay by a Homecoming staff member, you may leave your entry and return to it no later than 8:15 AM. Any groups not in attendance by 8:15 AM will be unable to participate in the parade, as we will start filtering entries into the parade line-up at this time.

· Please make sure anyone walking with you and/or entry is also with the entry by 8:15 AM. Parking has been reserved for parade participants on Lot 61.
· Please remember that throwing candy (or similar items) from the parade line-up is not allowed.

Senior Project

2010-10-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

We received a letter from Jennifer Gregory, a senior at Willow Springs High School in Willow Springs, MO about using the Foundation as her College English class project. Her project will take up most of the year and will end with a donation of stuffed animals to the Pediatric unit at St. John's Hospital in Springfield, MO. She plans on holding a competition in the elementary school to receive donations to use.

We are honored that she has been touched enough by the Foundation to use it as a project and the fact that she is sharing Abby's Hugs with others!

Granny's in Heaven

2010-10-15T21:24:00.000-05:00

My Grandma joined Abby in Heaven on Thursday night at the age of 92. A bittersweet time for us as Granny is at peace now, but of course it was hard to let her go. I was able to spend quite a bit of time with her before she got her wings and was able to talk about her getting to see Abrielle. I asked her to make sure she took care of my little girl for me until I get there. I asked her to tell her how much we missed her and how much we love her. I told her to snuggle her, rock her, and read her books.

Here are just a few pictures of our two angels in Heaven together. I didn't go through the more recent ones just because they are harder for me to look at.

On a fun little side note, Grandma was always Grandma to everyone that knew her, but after the girls came along, we had to come up with a way to differentiate all their Grandmas, so she became Granny in our household.

Love you Grandma and don't spoil my little girl too much!

Another Round at MTC

2010-10-11T18:19:00.000-05:00

Last week I spoke to another class of offenders at MTC. This class was probably the largest I have had there with about 20 men. I was met with many questions and comments from this class also which makes me feel like my speech has made an impact. Several offenders also shared some of their stories with me, which was a first. Before I left, I was asked if I would be willing to speak at the correction facility in St. Joe too. I said I would so soon our Abby will be touching more lives.

Bagging/Parade Prep

2010-10-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

We are scheduling a long overdue bagging for next Saturday, October 16th at 7 pm. We will also be working on getting things ready to hand out in the parade.

Women Who Change the World

2010-10-04T17:27:00.000-05:00

I received a wonderful card from a friend that really made my day. Sometimes I am not sure if what I am doing is really making a difference so when I get words like these, it helps.

"There are women who make things better... simply by showing up. There are women who make things happen. There are women who make their own way. There are women who make a difference. And women who make us smile. There are women who do not make excuses. Women who cannot be replaced. There are women of wit and wisdom who - through strength and courage - make it through. There are women who change the world every day ...women like you."

Butterfly Release

2010-09-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

Like the Butterfly

It fluttered there above my head,

weightless in the soft breeze.

I reached up my hand

it lit upon my finger.

Waving glistening wings together

it looked at me for timeless moments.

I smiled, reaching deep and

finding all those cherished memories.

As it flitted off through the sunlit morning,

I knew we had said hello once more.

~ Leslie Langford, TCF, North Platte, NE

Docudrama Round 2

2010-09-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the second year I spoke to area high school sophomores at the docudrama. It is hard for me to speak at this, but if it prevents even one more senseless death, it's worth my tears. I skipped all the outside re-enactment this year since it is difficult for me to see. I also didn't watch the highway patrol video either. I did hear several positive comments about my presentation, so that helps make me think that what I am doing is making a difference.

Thank you to my friends that were there to support me. I honestly could not do it without you guys there.

Memorial Service

2010-09-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

Some people come into our lives

And leave footprints on our hearts

And we are never, ever the same.

Flavia

We left messages for Abby on leaves we pinned to the tree again this year.

The Service was nice as usual and I feel it is nice to have a day of remembrance with other families like us. There was a large crowd this year of around 500 families. Following the beautiful song, "Playin' with the Angels" by Christy Simpson, a welcome, and a prayer, the following Litany of Remembrance was recited~

We gather to praise you God, for the gift of the children we honor today - for the joy, laughter, and love they brought into our world.

Thank you for the support and comfort of our family and friends who walk the journey of grief and mourning with us.

Grant us peace as we remember that these children no longer know pain or tears but are free from their suffering and strife.

Help us to be patient and kind to ourselves, and one another, when darkness overwhelms us and we sit in despair.

As we lift up each precious child who had died in this memorial service, fill our hearts to overflow with hope and love. Touch us with an awareness of your guiding presence and sustain us with your mercy and grace. Amen

This was followed by the quilt dedication for this year and the song "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)" by the Dixie Chicks. We then listened to one of the chaplains speak. "Somewhere over the Rainbow" was then sang and I was up next.

My speech went well. For some reason, even after giving speeches as much as I have lately, I was still nervous. I was doing really well until at one point I looked up to see Mady in tears. She still never cries, so this just ripped at my heart. I wanted so bad to just run off the stage and leave my speech unfinished to comfort her. I knew I couldn't and had a hard time keeping it together.

After my speech was the butterfly release.

Mermorial Service Speech

2010-09-19T04:16:00.001-05:00

Today I will be giving the following speech at the Memorial Service.

June 9, 2003, was one of our happiest days as we became a family of four and Madyson a big sister. The birth of Abrielle came after the heartache of losing a baby, making the event that much more special to us. As labor began that morning, we received our first glimpse of our new little one's personality. So eager to meet the world, Abby could not wait for the doctor to put on her scrubs or gloves; just a towel to catch her in was all there was time for. And so our lives began with Abrielle Lauryn, our small, enthusiastic little girl.

It didn't take long for Abby's adventurous personality to begin to shine. By seven months she was walking and by nine months, running. She kept all of us on our toes with her zest for life and her digestive issues. Abrielle underwent numerous outpatient procedures to try and remedy her constant vomiting and help her gain weight. As troubling as these issues were, they were not what took our little girl from us. Instead, our lives were changed by the decisions of a total stranger.

March 29, 2007 began like any other school morning in our household except for one difference – it was Abby's sharing day at preschool. Abrielle hurried faster than usual so that she would have time to choose something to take. She dressed in a brand new pair of Gymboree fruit punch capris and a yellow shirt and met me in the bathroom to find something for her hair. I helped her up on the sink and she dug through the hair tie basket looking for a yellow pony holder. She hurried out to the living room, telling me she wanted a little pony. With my 32-week pregnant belly protruding too far for her to climb on my lap, Abby stood in front of me as I pulled her hair up. Off she ran back to her room to gather her things for school as the rest of us went about getting ready for our days. Mady and I were ready to leave, but Abby was still hunting her sharing item. I carried my lunch out to the Expedition, had Mady get buckled up, and went into the house to see what was keeping Abby. I was met a few steps in by her and Marc carrying her bobcat skidloader, her bobbycat, as she called it. So out she came carrying her bright pink jacket, her pink and purple Dora backpack, and her bobbycat for sharing. Marc lifted her into her car seat and helped buckle her 5-point harness. We said our goodbyes and backed our of the garage with Marc leaving in front of us. It was 7:30 am.

Around the first set of curves on the gravel road, I slowed down as three turkeys flew across the road. I stopped momentarily to let the girls see them as they continued into the CRP grass. Abby said she saw them although I'm not sure that she did.

We continued on our way south down the gravel road towards Route OO, the path I take everyday, when at the top of a small rise I noticed another vehicle off in the distance. I did not think too much about it other than to wonder who would be traveling North on our road at that time in the morning. At the next small rise in the road, the green pickup was there, on my side of the road. As I decided the best way to avoid impact in that split second, I first tried moving over in my lane, but the pickup wasn't moving. It was then that I made the decision to try and avoid the vehicle and pulled the steering wheel as hard as I could to the left. I was so afraid I was going to roll the Expedition by doing that, but I had nowhere else to go. Seconds before impact, I see the driver of the green pickup swerve into me as if losing control or finally realizing I am there. There is a horrendous boom and then blackness.

Our Abrielle was not able to survive her injuries and at 11:47 pm received her angel wings, donating her organs to others. We were later informed that the driver of the green pickup was arrested and charged with Involuntary Manslaughter, two counts of Second Degree Assault, Operating a Motor Vehicle While in an Intoxicated Condition, Failure to Maintain the Right Half of the Roadway, and Driving While Revoked. He had two prior convictions for DWIs. Our grief became public news as we had to endure court proceedings and parole hearings as he was sentenced to 6 years in the Missouri Department of Corrections for his crime.

Marc and I had always joked that Abby would be the one to give us gray hairs, but we never imagined it would be like this. My heart was filled with such crushing pain that sometimes it was hard to draw a breath that didn't hurt. There were nights I felt I must wrap my arms around myself tight just to hold myself together. I knew the truth to the statement that one can die from a broken heart – my heart physically hurt. The pain was unlike anything I had ever experienced and unlike anything I could ever imagine. I felt as though my heart was shredded into little pieces while I was forced to stand by and watch, unable to do a thing. Friends and family have helped me gather the torn sections and slowly stitch them back together, but scars will forever remain.

When Abrielle died, I tried to will my body to go with her. I didn't want to be here without her. I know we were told that if she would have survived she would never be the same, the damage was too extensive. But I would have given anything to keep Abrielle here with us no matter what the condition. It would have been so much easier for me, but I know it would have been unfair to her.

In the months that followed, I was certain I could hear her little footsteps throughout the house and went looking for her. I seriously thought I was going crazy and wondered which would be better - to be insane and think Abby was still alive or to be lucid and know she wasn't.

Sleep was next to impossible without medication as my mind kept replaying the sights and sounds of that day. The survivor's guilt I experienced continually loomed as I kept trying to find a way that I could have prevented Abrielle's death.

I cried every day that first year and only less frequently now. Grief does not pass overnight. It does not pass at the one year mark. I don't think that I can tell you that it is gone for me yet. Some may not understand the sadness that is held in the depths of the soul after a child is taken from you, as we who have experienced it have learned to hide it beneath our masks. I have come to the conclusion that this is now a permanent part of my life and who I am, but it does not have to dominate my life. Just as butterfly works hard to emerge from its cocoon, we too have had to fight to free ourselves from the grief and depression that losing a child brings. How long will it be until we can flap our wings and fly? I wish I knew, but I do feel like a new normal is beginning to emerge and our wings are starting to dry. We try to stay in the “we were blessed with an angel for almost 4 years” place instead of focusing on our loss. We no longer feel the guilt from smiling and laughing. As special days and celebrations arrive, the panic is gone as we have found ways to continue to incorporate Abrielle into the festivities. I now try to proudly answer “three” when I'm asked how many kids I have instead of awkwardly stammering and trying to decide the best way to reply.

I would like to end this with a quote by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. “The most beautiful people are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." I say that we are beautiful people.

Upcoming Events

2010-09-14T12:15:00.000-05:00

I have been asked to speak at the Docu-Drama again this year. It will be September 21st at the Hangar again.

The Homecoming Parade is October 30th with a theme of Blast From The Past. If you have ideas for float decorations, let me know.

I am working on getting a bagging date scheduled also.

Words of Encouragement

2010-09-08T17:33:00.002-05:00

I received letters from 4 offenders that were in the last ICVC class I spoke to. They were full of thanks and words of encouragement and I really appreciated getting them. Here are a few excerpts from the letters.
"It was a very touching and moving experience for me. It opened my eyes to a complete different level. It is one thing to watch a video of a victim of a victim but when you have the pleasure of actually being able to experience it in person it truly changes you."
"It made me realize that I had victimized alot more than just the people I committed my crimes against. You have truly changed my life for the better."
"...your story and tragedy truly effected me and will forever change the way I view a victim and all the emotional effects it has on you and everyone around you."
"Sometimes people like us need to see the impact that our crimes have on victims and I saw it that day."
"Many of our crimes are committed through ignorance and selfishness, whether they are intentional or not makes little difference when it comes to the suffering and loss or our victims. Through your courage and unselfishness you have brought this unfortunate fact to light for me and the other offenders who heard you speak."

Writing Away

2010-09-02T21:36:00.002-05:00

We were contacted about speaking at the annual memorial service for families that have lost a child at CMH that we have attended the last 3 years. At first I was not sure if I could do this kind of speaking engagement because it is so different than the other speeches I have given. We agreed (which really means just me because Marc doesn't do public speaking) and have now been working on getting my thoughts together for this event. I will be talking about our life with Abrielle and our journey of grief since losing her. I hope I can touch families there and they can learn many different things from our story.

Memories for the Wall

2010-08-30T11:36:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not, I have not created any type of memorial for Abrielle to hang on the walls of our home. I have bought collage frames with the intentions of placing some of my favorite photos in them to hang, but have yet to fill them. Instead, a contest got me inspired to finally create something. Here it is ~

In creating this, I had to do some things I had not yet, permanently remove things from Abby's room. I do not like moving things in her room still, so this was really hard for me. The only time things come out of her room are when they are included in pictures, but then they are placed back in their original spots in her room. In order to find some of the items I wanted, I had to pick up toys that were last touched by her little hands and placed into their toy baskets.

I tied a "hula" hair tie to the handle of the tray along with the flower zipper pull from her backpack. One block contains one a letter A in her handwriting that I copied. Another square has a pink butterfly barrette. Her teddy bear necklace has a new home where I can touch it anytime. Two of her Barbie shoes are included and they also symbolize her love of dance, gymnastics, and dressing up. A Barbie Princess crown sits in another corner because we always called Abrielle our Princess.

I included a two quotes that I love.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about." Angela Schwindt

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think, but the most important thing is even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." Winnie the Pooh

Deja Vu

2010-08-19T21:39:00.002-05:00

Oh how that deja vu feeling kept creeping in today. From getting a three-year-old ready for school, to walking my little girl in for the first day of school, to waiting outside for her to come running and give me a hug. Everything kept taking me back to the fall of 2006 and sending Abby to preschool for the first time. I was able to stick to my "no tears at school" plan and did not let them fall until after the sunglasses were in place.

To Preschool We Go

2010-08-18T13:45:00.003-05:00

Monday night we took Elly to see the Preschool classroom and to meet her teachers. She was so excited to be going to "big girl school" that I wanted to make sure I did not have any tears to ruin it. For some reason as I was getting the girls ready, Elly said, "I want to see in Abby's room." Of course I explained that we don't play in Abby's room and went on about getting ready to leave, not sure what brought on the comment. As we drove into town, I couldn't help but feel my heart drop as we drove past the cross along the side of the road. It made ignoring the fact that Abby was missing impossible and I had to catch a few tears.

At the school, Elly could barely contain her excitement while I held my emotions in check. No tears at the school. We introduced her to her teachers and let her check out the room for a little while. Then as we looked at pictures of past preschool classes on the wall and found our Abby, the heartache was hard to ignore. Elly kept asking, "Why Abby not here?" after finding her in the picture, but I didn't answer. I have no answer for that question. It wasn't until later at night that I let the emotions of the evening catch up with me. Now the next step will be Thursday morning when I actually take El to preschool for the first time.

Golf Tournament

2010-08-15T21:38:00.006-05:00

Saturday turned out to be a beautiful day for the golf tournament fundraiser for the Foundation and Deryk Degase sponsored by my high school class (MHS 1994). There were 24 teams in all golfing for the day.

A big Thank You for Melanie Stiens Wassenberg for organizing the event.

And a big Thank You to all the hole sponsors who paid had signs at each hole.

After everyone was fed and all the prizes handed out, I announced that we wanted the Foundation's share of the funds to go to Deryk so that they can buy him an ipod to talk for him by pressing a button.

Just One Reason Why

2010-08-09T15:30:00.002-05:00

"Dear Abrielle Neff Foundation,

I received one of your stuffed animals when I hurt my eye and had to go to he ER. They gave me Goochy, the Jellyfish! He helped me be a brave boy at the hospital. I love Goochy so much! Thank you very much for Goochy, the Jellyfish!

Love,
Owen Wonderly
4 yrs old

P.S. My Mom and I are making a donation so more little boys and girls can get an animal at the ER and be brave like me!"

Making Progress

2010-07-27T19:52:00.002-05:00

Thanks everyone for understanding my absence. I have to say that my break from added stress in my life has been a blessing. We have made the decision for me to stay home and spend time with our girls for awhile, which I am enjoying immensely. I look back at some of the decisions I have made since losing Abby and some were not what was best for my mental health in the long run. After the accident, I went back to work 7 days after we laid our little girl to rest because I didn't want to be home. The house was too empty. There were many things I left undone and still had not taken care of them in the three years since. During the last few weeks of being home, I have tackled many difficult ones, the hardest being the pictures. I finally took all the pictures off the memorial boards from the funeral, crying my eyes out as Mady helped me put them back in the albums. I am going to do my best to keep the blog up again, although it might not be daily.

Prison Speech ~ Round 4

2010-07-27T19:39:00.002-05:00

I attended the ICVC class at Maryville Treatment Center last week to give my speech to the new batch of students. I would think it would become easier each time I give the same speech, but it still invokes emotions. I still catch a few tears and this time I did not watch the placement of the laptop that plays the pictures for my speech and flipped out a little when pictures came up that I don't like to see. Warren was there to help and I was so grateful for that. This class spent a good 20 minutes asking questions and making comments. It was probably the most involved class I have had so far. It appeared that each one of them were touched as all of them spoke. There were new questions this time too. I was asked about vengeance instead of forgiveness, trying to move on, and our new family dynamics. One man even admitted that he was receiving treatment for DWI's and stated he would never do it again after hearing me speak. I told him that I hoped he stayed strong and did not, but that if he should choose to drink that he would see Abby's face before he decided to get behind the wheel.

Golf Tournament

2010-07-02T16:55:00.001-05:00

Changes

2010-06-27T22:22:00.002-05:00

I have recently made some changes in my life to help myself and my family, but unfortunately the blog has been neglected. I am still trying to find the balance I need and will be back to blogging on a regular basis again soon. Right now I am spending some extra time with my family and enjoying every minute of it. The last few years the constant changes, stress, and business of life have kept me from doing some of the things in my family life that needed to be done. Some days I think I was merely surviving and not really living, not cherishing every moment fully like I wanted to. With these recent changes, our lives should benefit and hopefully our new normal will emerge.

Balloon Artist

2010-06-21T01:47:00.000-05:00

The balloon artist we added this year was a hit! He tied over 400 balloon hats, flowers, swords, etc.

Clifford

2010-06-18T01:10:00.002-05:00

The kids just LOVED Clifford! They were giving him hugs and high fives all day long.

Thanks!

2010-06-17T01:50:00.000-05:00

A big thank you to all the "purple people" this year! We couldn't do the Celebration without your help!

Celebration Fun

2010-06-16T04:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Tears

2010-06-15T04:29:00.000-05:00

I had a wonderful surprise in my email inbox 2 weeks ago~ a letter from the family of the little boy that received Abby's liver. At first I didn't recognize the name of the sender and had it marked to delete, but then something made me stop and look again. I knew the name and sat there for the longest time before I opened the email. I had to catch my breath and prepare myself for what was inside. The words inside made the tears flow, but not nearly as much as seeing pictures of a smiling little boy. There was a picture 2 days before he received Abby's liver, months after transplant, and now, 3 years later. He is a healthy little boy now it is was so obvious how Abby's gift has changed his life and the life of his family. I looked at those pictures trying to grasp the fact that a part of our little girl is alive in him. It brought happy tears.

On the Stage ~ Contests

2010-06-14T01:20:00.000-05:00

The final event on the stage was an icecream eating contest! The contest was divided into ages 10-under, 11-15, and a group of our help. Here are some pictures of the fun~

On the Stage ~ Mic-O-Says

2010-06-11T01:36:00.000-05:00

Next up on the stage was the Mic-O-Say dancers. They pulled out kids from the audience and had them dancing along too.

On the Stage ~ Flying Debris

2010-06-10T01:18:00.000-05:00

Flying Debris was the main attraction on the stage this year. He kept families entertained with his juggling and fire eating skills. He brought several different people up to have him help during his performance.

Happy Birthday Abrielle!

2010-06-09T00:19:00.000-05:00

Today our Princess would be 7. I just can't believe she could be that old. I still miss her everyday and wish we were celebrating her birthday with her here on Earth. I'm sure she is celebrating in Heaven and we will send some balloons up to her. I can see her running, dancing, and giggling away the day with all her angel friends. It's days like these that make the "what if's" swirl faster in my mind. Not just the "what if's" about Abby's life, but about our lives too. From the "What would our lives as a family be like now with her still here?" to "What would we be spending our 'free time' doing?" to "Would we look at the Barbies strung all throughout the house and smile like we do now?" to "Would we count every tiny blessing we experience each day the same as today?" to "Would every little hug and kiss we get from our girls mean as much as they do now?"

Happy Birthday to the little girl that changed our hearts and lives forever. We love you Abbers!

On the Stage ~ MDA

2010-06-08T02:52:00.001-05:00

The girls at Maryville Dance Academy started the Celebration off with great success. There was a large crowd gathered watching as they performed. Here are a few of the acts ~

Grab a Paper!

2010-06-07T20:16:00.001-05:00

I hope you were able to see the wonderful article in the Maryville Daily Forum today along with all the pictures! In case you didn't, here's a link to the story and there are more photos included under the photos tab.
http://www.maryvilledailyforum.com/topstories/x157351353/Event-in-the-park-celebrates-children

Ready for the Celebration?!

2010-06-04T06:07:00.002-05:00

Are you guys ready for the weekend fun?! It should be a great time with so much to do! I've mentioned the rides, the stage entertainment, and a few of the other fun attractions, so now for the rest.

We will be serving BBQ pork sandwiches, hot dogs, chips, cookies, brownies, and other yummy desserts. Of course we will be having cotton candy, popcorn, and sno cones too. We are also having homemade icecream!

The games this year will include ~ ring toss, shooting alley, milk bottle toss, duck-o-war, duck pond, face painting, tattoos, mini golf, roll the dice, mexiball, a pedal pull.

In the dunk tank this year you will be able to get some local law enforcement officials wet! We will have Sheriff Darren White, Deputy Mike Galbraith, and Officer Ryan Glidden!

Can't wait to see everyone on Sunday!